Flower Power
by Goddess on a Highway
Summary: A documentary about bonobo chimps' warfare leaves Rico, Kowalski and Private many questions. Rico's about to lift his relation with Miss Perky to a new level, Kowalski and Private see eachother in another light. Skipper thinks a prostitute might help. XD
1. Good Vibrations

**WARNING: Crackfic! I couldn't help myself, this is something I just had to write. M rated because of sexual content. After seeing a documentary about bonobos, the guys start to question their own sexual life. Is it okay to be gay? Make dolls good sexual partners? What's a hussie and how to use it? Are the contents of Alice's handbag worth a try? There's not much romance but how experiments can and will go wrong. Pairings: Kowalski/Private, Rico/Miss Perky, Skipper/HH. **

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It was a boring afternoon in the HQ, one of those afternoons you would even listen to your grandma's stories about knitting or baking to occupy your time. Sadly, the penguins had no grannies, not that they knew, that is. Skipper's boys had turned into a pathetic mass of feathers, the way they all hung around lazily. Kowalski lacked inspiration for another invention, and due to Private's nagging about how he missed Cupid, he began to whine about Doris. Rico's answer was a teasingly slow display of brushing Miss Perky's hair in front of his two amigos, which made Kowalski and Private even more blue.

Skipper hated to see his men turn into some couch potatoes. Specially when they were crying over some dame they met on a mission. Frustration was a common thing in the military, love relations never lasted very long. The long terms of celibacy made the men moody. However, Skipper had serious doubts if they had ever had any sexual relation before, they seemed so green. He didn't really feel like giving them an education of that kind; but if it was necessary, he could always rely on an old friend to do that job for him. But as long as they didn't ask any questions, his lips -if he had them- were sealed.

Maybe a movie would be a good distraction. He thought a movie about modern warfare would teach them some new fighting techniques and it kept their minds away from the ladies.

"Okay boys, time for action! Operation Movie Afternoon is a go!" The eldest penguin commanded his younger companions. Kowalski peered over Doris' picture at Skipper. Though he thought Skipper's choice of films was interesting, he rather watched scientific documentaries instead. Private looked unsure from Kowalski to Skipper. A movie afternoon organised by Skipper was usually not very pleasant. The movies lacked every kind of imagination and were always extremely violent; they always left you with a knot in your stomach for days on end. Rico paused between two brush strokes as he looked up at his superior. He loved Skipper's film choice, they were usually filled with blood and gore.

"Kowalski, options!" Skipper demanded. The intelligent penguin pulled out a clipboard with Alice's time schedule to see when she was gone for her coffee break.

"It's now 1543 hours," Kowalski checked a watch, freshly regurgitated from Rico's stomach. "The coast is clear between 1600 and 1620 hours."

"So we have seventeen minutes to prepare ourselves for a visit to the zoovenir shop," Skipper answered. "Rico, arquebus!"

The mentioned penguin vomited the hook gun from the depths of his gut. He hoped he never had to witness it, but if Rico died, Kowalski hoped to perform an autopsy on the mad penguin to unravel the mysteries of his stomach. As if he had read his mind, Rico looked suspiciously at his friend while he scratched his butt. Kowalski chuckled innocently and took a step back from his deranged friend. This reminded him to investigate his brain as well, the secrets that would reveal could be worth a millions to find a cure for psychopaths. Rico grunted and turned his attention back to his superior.

"Private, you'll be a distraction for the wicked woman," the commanding penguin told his lowest ranked soldier. He watched the previously regurgitated watch to check the time. "1547 hours, let's go outside!"

Skipper peered through his binoculars to see what the strange female was doing. Alice was still hanging on her chair with her boots on her desk. She occupied the little office next to the shop. She watched the clock, a little more than ten minutes till her coffee break, she might as well pay a visit to the lavatory already. She could get a bladder infection if she waited ten more minutes, and it saved her five minutes of valuable coffee drinking time.

"She's gone. Rico, do your thing!" The deranged penguin took his hook gun and aimed at the window-sill of the office with his tongue hanging out of his beak. Bulls-eye! The four flightless birds slided the cord to get to the other side with ease. Kowalski, who was first, smacked into the wall, followed by Private who smothered him, then Rico's weight made it even worse and at last Skipper smacked into Rico's back, making Kowaslki's back and front a sea of pain. The other's landed directly on their feet but Kowalski slipped against the office wall towards the ground with a landing on his beak.

"Are you okay, Kowalski?" Private asked with empathy in his voice and eyes. He too, had a painful back though his front smack had been softened by Kowalski's back and his round tummy.

"I'm fine! Just a rough landing, nothing to worry about," Kowalski replied, making it look less worse than it was although he rubbed his painful spots with his flippers.

"A soldier feels no pain, now move!" Skipper exclaimed. His men were desperately out of shape.

They continued the mission. Skipper peered inside the office via the open window with Rico as his step-up. The woman was still in the bathroom. He motioned the others to follow him as he leaped through the window. Kowalski and Private leaped on Rico's inviting flippers to jump through the window. Rico jumped in as last without any help.

They tip-toed on the tiles with stealth, towards the shop's door. They formed a totem, Private at the bottom and Rico on top. The latter threw up a paperclip, unraveled it to a straight line and twisted it into the keyhole until he heard a satisfying click. He pushed the door handle down and the door swung open, throwing the animals into the shop.

"What the..." Alice yelled as she heard the thud when the birds fell onto the shop's floor. She sat on the toilet with her trousers down to her ankles and a magazine in her hands. "Stupid visitors, can't wait till my break's over..." She muttered as she continued reading an article about pest control.

The penguins listened carefully, but they didn't hear any movement. Private stayed to guard the door while the others entered the zoovenir shop. The three remaining birds slid on their bellies towards the video rack. They got back on their feet and watched the rather small selection of documentaries. They overlooked the penguin documentary purposefully; except for Rico, no one's stomach was strong enough to watch that.

Skipper's eyes caught a documentary about bonobos; phrases as 'near-human intelligence' and 'a unique way to resolve conflicts' seemed interesting enough for him. If they possesed the knowledge of higher mammals in battle, who knows what they're capable of doing? This ought to be a good educational tape for the boys, he thought.

"Okay guys! I got the right tape, now let's go before she's back." Skipper called Kowalski and Rico who were taking a look in the shop. Kowalski had quickly snatched some video games and batteries, things he could use for later inventions. Rico had found some new clothes for Miss Perky; among them, a red evening dress she could wear on their next date.

The three penguins slided towards the door with the things they've taken in their beaks. When they arrived at the door, Private was gone. At first they thought he got caught by Alice, but then they found him struggling with some kind of weird vibrating thing. Whatever it was, it made a hell of a noise. If they didn't get rid of it soon, Alice would discover them. It was already 1617 hours, so she would return any time now.

"Where did you get that from?" Skipper exclaimed angrily. This wasn't the time nor the place for silly games.

"It comes from Alice's handbag, it made funny noises!" Private exclaimed as he fought to control the thing. The worm-like thing shook like a mad bull, eager to throw its rider off of its back. Private tried as hard as he could to stay on top of it, but eventually he lost. The mad thing threw him in the air like a rag-doll, he smacked to the desk that stood in the middle of the room.

The plastic thing kept thrilling it's way through the office. It was 1621 hours now, she should've returned already. Lucky for them, her toilet break had lasted longer than she expected and she was not willing to give up her coffee for some stupid animals or visitors who needed her.

"Kaboom?" Rico asked and puked a piece of dynamite and a lighter. He held the lighter's flame towards the dynamite's fuse with a begging smile.

"What? No! You want to attract more attention?" Skipper cried in Rico's ear. The insane penguin looked disappointed and swallowed his tools. He would've loved to see that sucker explode into smithereens.

"Kowalski, analysis!" Skipper yelled.

"There seems to be an on and off switch on that thing, if we can capture it, we can turn it off and put it back where it came from." Kowalski said. Though he had no idea what it was despite his brilliant mind, he already had discovered it was just a piece of plastic with a strong battery causing it to vibrate whenever the switch was turned on.

"Rico, catch it!" Skipper commanded the mad penguin as if he were a dog. Rico spit up a shooting net gun and shot at the plastic worm. Even captured, it continued to move but it was easier to handle. Rico tackled it and Skipper finally switched the switch in the off position.

1632 hours, Alice's footsteps came closer towards the door that separated the hall from the office. That was the penguin's cue. There was no time to put their prisoner back in her purse, so they simply took it with them to the HQ; they would bring it back later. Kowalski could analyse that strange thing before they returned it, it seemed useful in battle.

They grabbed the other stuff they 'borrowed' from the zoovenir shop and headed straight to their habitat. This time, they didn't use the rope to slide over due to their full flippers and increased weight.

When they got back to their habitat, they quickly sprang into the hole in the rock island and covered it with the small feeding through.

"Mission accomplished, boys!" Skipper exclaimed with a flipper in the air, the other's slapped it to celebrate their success. The guys might have been out of shape and nearly blowed their cover, he was proud of them nevertheless.

Kowalski and Private carried the 'prisoner' to the former's laboratory. The video games and batteries from the shop followed.

Rico had unwrapped Miss Perky's new clothes and held them in front of her body.

"Rrrraw..." He growled with frowning eyebrows and his tongue hanging out of his beak. She looked hot in red. Stealthy he stole a kiss from her as he stroke her long blond hair affectionately. Carefully, he laid her on his bed before he departed. Before he turned away, he blew another kiss towards his sweetheart. He would miss her, but duty called.

Rico joined Kowalski and Private, who had already settled down in front of the tv with a large bucket of popcorn. Skipper inserted the video-tape in the recorder.

"Operation Educational Movie is a go!" He stated firmly as he joined his men and pushed the "play" button on the remote-control.

As the movie began, the narrator's voice spoke in an excited way.

"In this documentary, we're gonna follow a group of bonobo monkeys and see how they resolve conflicts..." The voice chirped through the penguins' ears as they saw the camera zoom in on a huge rain forest.

"This is going to be good!" Kowalski said excitedly, rubbing his flippers into each other. He was eager for knowledge and he hoped this would increase his in a positive way. He thought Skipper had made an excellent choice. Higher mammals were interesting animals to study.

"Yuck!" Rico replied, his face a mask of boredom that would soon turn into sleep if nothing exciting would happen. His head would cock backwards, drool would cover his feathers as it dripped down from his open beak and he would make a loud snoring noise as he inhaled the oxygen with funny, wheezy sounds as he exhaled. He had expected something bloody but the monkeys seemed a bit too friendly towards each other.

"I hope it's not going to be violent!" Private said, peering trough half-closed eyes and a flipper covering his face just in case.

"Silence boys! Watch and learn!" Skipper commanded. It was always interesting to know other species' fighting techniques in case they had to go to battle with that species.

"... So we can say bonobos rather use sex to resolve conflicts than the use of sheer force. They make love, not war, isn't that beautiful?" The narrator's voice said smoothly as the movie ended.

The four penguins remained at their current places for a while, still shocked over what they had just witnessed. All that monkey-love had been a little too much for a relaxing afternoon. They have seen all forms of sexual behavior; the apes didn't bother who their partner was, as long as it wasn't with their own mother.

"Okay boys, you didn't see anything!" Skipper told them, trying to get the shocked expressions of the other's faces. He took the tape out of the recorder and burnt it to be safe. Never had he seen such crap before: "Make love, not war! Yeah right..." He thought to himself.

Kowalski was the first to get out of his trance. "Maybe that's not such a bad idea, considering it would dramatically reduce the risk of injury in battle," he said with a pensive frown on his forehead. "However, for penguins this kind of behavior can be dangerous because of our flasklike shapes..."

"Kowalski, I don't know about you or any of you, but I only have sex with a female penguin, a beautiful female penguin, that is. One with a pretty pink bowtie, a coco-nut bra and a reed skirt." Skipper replied. Sure Kowalski was intelligent but this was the most ignorant thing he ever heard.

"I guess you're right Skipper. It's not natural... unless you're a bonobo." Kowalski rattled pointlessly.

"Do you think we ever gonna get a female?" Private asked innocently, not that he wanted a girl to interrupt with their lives. Actually, he was more attracted to his superior male friends. He loved to be dominated by them.

"I can call the Hoboken Hussie if you guys have certain needs..." Skipper began casually "...but..."

"The Hoboken what?" Kowalski and Private interjected in unison.

"Well you know, you pay her price and she'll let you do every sick fantasy you have in mind."

"You mean like selling her body... doesn't she have any selfrespect!" Private said shocked, though he would give his body for free.

"That's why she's a hussie, selfrespect has nothing to do with it." Skipper replied annoyed. Why was Private always in conflict with his morals.

"I still think it's wrong..." Private said sadly. He wondered if he could try this with Rico sometimes, Rico would do anything for fish. Just as he thought this over, where was Rico actually?

Meanwhile, Alice was getting ready to close the zoo. As she grabbed her bag, she searched for her cellphone. She had to make a call to her date, a lanky young man who studied zoölogy who'd asked her to date him multiple times. Finally she gave in and agreed to date the much younger guy; she wasn't in a position to be picky about men. She noticed something was missing as she palpated the inside of her purse.

"Where the fuck is my..." She cursed under her breath. She had brought her toy with her, if the date was a disaster, she could always rely on her old buddy. "Maybe I forgot..." She sighed, she hoped her date wasn't as green as she thought he was. She didn't feel like de-flowering a guy tonight. She was sure he'll be done in five minutes and leave her unsatisfied.

When she had found the mobile phone, she made her call.

"Hi, it's me. I've done, where do we meet?" She asked. After some humming from her side she ended with: "Central Park in ten minutes, you better be on time cause I'm not waiting."

She walked towards the gate, went outside and closed it behind her back. She inhaled the cold evening air into her lungs and stepped towards the park.

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**If you wonder where Rico is and what he's up to, you'll have to read the second chapter. This was getting too long. Also, I hope you get what Alice carried in her purse, cause I didn't feel like saying the actual name of it. XD**


	2. Broken Toy

**First of all, thank you, Goldenpuon, Bobbyfishstick5, RicoIsAwesome, Anonymous 007, Chatterbox45 and Rai Desai for the kind reviews. Here's a promised second chapter. And yes, Rico will do his thing... ;) **

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Rico had quietly slipped away to his bed. The documentary had excited him and he wondered how far he could go with his girlfriend. They were together for quite a while now, so he didn't think she would have any objections.

He gently carried her from his bed to the cellars of the HQ; there, he wouldn't get disturbed by his compadres. He had put on her red dress, for an extra touch. It was much sexier than that dull pink dress. Just looking at it and feeling the soft silky fabric on his flippers aroused him.

He had made a soft love nest of pillows and sheets, which he had taken downstairs as well. He laid her on top of them and occupied the space next to her.

Nervously, he stroke her left cheek with his right flipper. He looked down at her with a loving gaze in his blue eyes. He crawled a little closer, letting his flipper make his way over her body.

As he remembered from penguin documentaries, the girl should lie face down, face-to-face was so mammal. On the other hand, he loved to look into her eyes, breaking the ice. The bonobos did it, and she had a mammal-like form.

He kissed her neck, caressed it with his beak and gently bit it. He didn't want to harm her but his penguin instincts told him to hold her with his beak. Normally, he was supposed to take the female's beak in his.

As he mounted her, she shifted from left to right as if she didn't want him to make love to her. He let go of her neck and looked into her big blue eyes. They seemed to say: "Yes, I'm going all the way"... And so did her whole face and body seem to tell him. She looked like a flower, ready to be picked. (A/N: I personally think barbie is a bad role model. ;))

He took her neck in his beak once more, this time in a firm grip as he felt more excited. He was absolutely sure she wanted this just as much as he did. And he didn't want to let her down nor be left unsatisfied.

This time he pushed his whole weight on top of her to keep her still. He clumsily slid away from her but he bit her neck a little harder to regain stability. This time his position was right but he didn't really know what to do next; if he made any movement, she'd slip from under him or he would roll off of her. But wasn't he supposed to move on top of her? The monkeys hadn't sit still for a second in that documentary.

Confused and frustrated, he let go of her. He took her in his arms and held her in front of him to examine her figure. His gaze froze on her legs, that was it! He had to spread her legs.

He laid her down again and spread her legs gently, he tried to get himself between them but that wasn't as simple as he thought. He got more frustrated by the minute. Why was it so hard to make love to the woman he loved?

Then he noticed another thing; she didn't have an opening and he seemed to miss an important item either as he peered between his penguin legs. He tried to recall the penguin documentary and he remembered that the male and female penguins both had an opening and had to perform something called a 'cloaca-kiss'. The female bonobos seemed to do a similar thing with one another.

He looked at Ms Perky, dissapointment written all over his face. But he wouldn't give up that fast. Maybe if he rubbed against her real hard, they both might have a little satisfaction.

He cooed in her ear and kissed her again, this time a little longer to compensate for the manhood he missed. He took her neck in his beak for the third time; this time, hoping for some more success. He forced himself between her legs as gently as he could, but something snapped.

Her left leg lied limp next to her body and the other kicked him hard between his legs. In a reflex he brought his flippers to the painful spot and he closed his beak with a snap, to bite away the horrible pain he felt in his lower regions. Doing that, he broke her thin neck as a twig.

He jumped up. To his horror, he had to establish that his girlfriend was headless and missed one leg. What had he done to her? He killed her! A terrified scream emerged from his beak.

He picked her head up from the floor an tried to set it back on her neck but it fell off and rolled on the ground again. What could he do to save her? He was too distressed to think straight.

"Are you sure he's not in your lab?" Skipper asked Kowalski, while searching for Rico.

"I checked it twice. Unless he drained a bottle of invisibility tonic, he's not there." The intelligent penguin replied to his superior.

Suddenly, they heard a scream coming from the H.Q.'s cellars.

"Rico?" The other three yelled, they ran down the stairs to find him hugging his barbie-doll frantically, trying to keep her head on her shoulders and the leg that had broken off on her hips. He sweet-talked to her and kissed her but nothing fixed his broken toy.

"We need a medic!" Skipper commanded, normally Rico would've already regurgitated some duct tape but the mad penguin was too upset to do that. So Kowalski had to take over his job. He had lots of trouble to take the doll from Rico who slapped him hard in the face whenever he tried to grab her.

"Come on Rico, I'm gonna fix her. Soon she'll have her pretty head and leg back where they belong and she'll be all yours again." Kowalski tried to reason with his friend. Rico suspiciously perked an eyebrow, but he gave in. If the brainiac couldn't solve this, who would?

"Thank you, Rico. I promise you I'll pull her through, she'll be as good as new when you get her back." Rico glared at him as if to say "you better..."

"What has happened exactly?" Skipper asked, how could Rico just break Miss. Perky? He loved that doll so much, Skipper was sure in case of an emergency, Rico would safe her before he would go after his mates.

Rico looked embarrassed, even if he wasn't mute, he wouldn't tell his superior what he had tried to do with his dolly. Not that he was ashamed to tell he wanted to have sex with her, but that he failed in every possible way. They simply weren't cut out for each other, he had nothing to fill her with, and she had nothing to be filled.

Skipper looked puzzled at Rico, he still didn't get it. That was until Private let out a chuckle.

"I think I know what Rico did to her..." he snickered. Tears were filling his eyes at the very thought of what Rico had tried. Skipper slapped him at the back of his head.

"Then tell me!" He demanded. Private looked from Rico to Skipper. Rico warned him with his eyes but he couldn't disobey Skipper. He leaned towards his superior and whispered something in his ear. Skipper chuckled, too.

"Really?" The leader asked the young penguin. Private nodded his head gleefully. This was hilarious, out of all the crazy things Rico had ever done, this one was epic. Before Private realised it, Rico's flipper landed at the back of his head and made him fall over.

"Come on Rico, you got to admit that was a weird thing to do," Skipper said as he helped Private to his feet.

"And Private, you know better than to test Rico," the commanding penguin said to his youngest soldier.

Meanwhile, Kowlaski was finished fixing the doll. She looked quite good and most important, everything was back in it's respective place.

"Here you go, Rico," Kowalski said as he handed the doll to his friend. "I don't know what you did to her but she's as good as new, like I promised."

Rico grabbed her away from him, he never liked it when she was in some other guy's arms. He could be extremely jealous when it came to her. He hugged her and held her close to him, whispering apologetic words in her deaf ears.

"You really want to know?" Skipper said with a smirk. Private stood next to him, trying to hold his laughter so Rico wouldn't slap him again. But Rico was too wrapped up in his own business, he had a lot to do to make things up with his girlfriend.

Kowalski looked disgusted at his flippers after hearing the story. He had just held something Rico had tried to fuck. "If anybody needs me, I'm in the shower..." he said and ran to his lab, where he had installed a shower a short while ago.

Private and Skipper shared a glance, followed by an awkward silence. They watched Rico, who laid on his bed, back to back with Ms. Perky. He felt like the worst boyfriend on earth, he could've killed her to relieve his own needs. He rather lived in celibacy for the rest of his life than to lose her.

"Poor guy..." Skipper said as he shook his head. This called for action. All he needed was a payphone, but Rico was too upset to regurgitate one. And another mission to Alice' office was out of the question at this time. It was already 2236 hours and they should all get some rest.

Meanwhile, Private had joined Kowalski in his lab. While the latter was drying himself with a towel, Private was inspecting the vibrating thing he'd found in Alice' purse.

"Have you already figured out what it is?" Private asked the tall penguin. "Do you think it's useful in battle?"

"I don't know, yet, Private," he answered as he rubbed the towel over his back. Private thought that was really sexy.

"Do you ever think about... you know... doing it?" The small penguin asked his older friend.

"Not really, what chances do we have anyway? No female is going to enter this zoo anyway. I think Alice is keeping them from us on purpose..."

"What about Marlene?"

"She's a mammal!"

"So is Doris! And Cupid, too!"

"Look, Private... I don't know how much you know about the anatomy of mammals but the males have a phallus to make love with their partner. And female mammals don't want guys without one. I never told anyone but I think that was one of the reasons Doris didn't want me, among others..."

"You mean that disgusting little sausage between their legs? Who needs that anyway! You're a remarkable scientist and a great poet!" Private sucked up to his friend. (A/N: To all the male readers out there: Sorry, not my opinion. ;))

"Thanks for the praise but that's just the way mammals are build, it's all part of their reproductive system. A fascinating one, actually. But ours is much better, of course." The scientist replenished that last part hastily, he was proud of being a bird as he was taught from Skipper.

"I wonder how penguins actually do it? You always put a flipper before my eyes whenever we get to that point in a penguin documentary."

"It's not all peaches and cream, Private. When penguins mate, they can easily get hurt."

"Hurt?" Private exclaimed frightened.

"I don't know why, but Mother Nature has blessed us with bottle-shaped bodies, which makes it almost impossible to stay on top of a female. Even if we manage to keep on top, we need to hurry or we slide off of her back again."

"But it is possible? Right?"

"Of course it is, otherwise you and me wouldn't be here right now."

"So, what's the big deal? Can't we just practise?"

"What?" Kowalski exclaimed confused.

"Not us, right here..." Private tried to talk himself out of the situation.

"It'll never happen anyway, so we might as well forget about it," the tall penguin replied.

"Yeah, sure..." Private replied disappointed. Why couldn't he just express his feelings? What had he got to loose? It wasn't as weird as Rico being in love with a doll.

"Can't we just pretend one of us is female? I'll volunteer!" Private suddenly said. If Rico could have sex, then why couldn't they?

"That wouldn't change the fact that you are a male!" Kowalski replied a little freaked out. On the other flipper, it made him seem less gay if he pretended Private was a girl. But what about Doris? He couldn't deny that he still had feelings for females, too. He was caught up in a conflict between his morals and his needs. Would it be so wrong? At least they didn't have to worry about unwanted pregnancies. But what about the others? Skipper would go berserk. And Rico would laugh with them forever or worse, wanting to join in... After what he'd done to that doll, he didn't even want to think about what he'd do to him and Private.

"Are you still there, Kowalski?"

"I thought about it and maybe it's not such a bad idea..."

"So... We do it?" Private asked hopefully. Kowalski shook of his last objections and smiled at his young friend.

"All right, but you'll be the female!"

"Okay, so what should I do?"

"Ugh, I can't do this..." Kowalski said insecurely. "You're so young and innocent... Please don't seek more behind this!"

"You mean like... love?" Private asked hesitatingly. He wished there was more, but he knew he'd never find love in Kowalski's arms.

"Yes, I'm sorry..."

"It's okay, just pretend that you're in love with me, just like you pretend that I'm a female." Private said bravely, though he trembled inside. Kowalski was the one he always looked up to. If there was one of his comrades he could fall in love with, then it was Kowalski. Rico would be purely physical and though he admired Skipper, he was rather homophobic.

"You're such a sweetie, Private, but don't you think that's too much for you to take? I don't want you to regret this."

"No, I won't. This is what I always wanted."

"What about Cupid? Don't you have feelings for her anymore?"

"It'll never happen... I guess it was just a crush."

"But when exactly did you realise you fell for guys? I can't imagine it's something you choose."

"I don't know, it must've always been there but I tried to deny it. You know, Skipper would never accept it."

"He should never find out!" Kowalski said firmly. He watched the door to make sure no one was eavesdropping on them. He turned back to his friend. "Look, Private, this isn't the time nor the place for this. Maybe tomorrow, what do you think?"

"Okay... You're not saying this to get rid of me, aren't you?" The young penguins asked insecurely.

"No, not at all... It's just something I can't do right now," the tall penguin reassured his little friend and petted his head as if he were a kid. Private wasn't really convinced but he was glad they had this talk.

"Now, off to bed with you!" Kowalski said firm and opened the door of his lab to let Private out. He went straight to bed, trying not to wake Skipper and Rico. However, Rico was still awake, how could he sleep after what had happened that night?

Kowalski walked towards his desk and slid down on the chair behind it. What was he doing? Was he really going to use his friend to get over his frustrations? Skipper would kill him if he ever found out, he would think he tried to corrupt Private. And what about Doris? If she founds out about him and Private, she'll never want him.

He sighed, stood up and left his lab. It was no use to ponder on about it, tomorrow would be a new day. Maybe if he'd could focus on Alice' thing, he'll get some distraction. He also needed to think about something to help Rico, he wasn't willing to play dolly for him. It wasn't because Private would do this for him, that he would do this for Rico. The thought alone appalled him so much, he felt dinner coming back into his oesophagus.

Private was different, he was so sweet and obedient, but Rico was too much for him to take. He could almost feel his beak stabbing his neck. Poor Ms. Perky... he thought as he made his way to his own bed watching the doll, who smiled in the moonlight that shone on her white teeth.

Rico laid on the other side of the bed, his head towards the wall, as if no one would see him if he couldn't see anybody else. Tears rolled down his face, what could he do to make things up? He'd have to get her flowers, take her for a ride, maybe a movie and dinner. He hoped she could forgive him. But what if he got excited again? Did he have to look for satisfaction somewhere else?

Alice's date had been right on time that evening, so she had been in a good mood. But when she found out the 'restaurant' he had reserved for them to dinner was a pizza-hut, she could've killed him. Not that she didn't understand that a student had no money for fancy restaurants, but pizza-hut? If that wasn't worse enough, he had talked through dinner about nothing but his studies, she'd fallen asleep with her face in the pizza she's ordered. After she'd refreshed herself, he had taken her to a movie -some kind of sci-fi adventure story for eight year olds- where she'd fell asleep again and they got kicked out because she was snoring too loud. When he took her to his place -a tiny flat in the worst neighbourhood of New York- he'd showed her his Star Wars doll collection and his computer games.

It was the worst date she had in years, until he dragged her to his bed. The thought alone had bored her so much she tended to fall asleep once again, but he didn't give her a chance. The lanky young man had transformed into a demon in the sack. She had forgotten all about the play-thing she carried in her handbag or the annoying animals in the zoo, whom she hadn't suspected, yet.

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**Hope you liked it, people. Still unfinished, I thought this was going to be a one-shot... ;) Don't worry, Rico and Ms. Perky will get out of their crisis somehow and Kowalski and Private get their portion of fun, too. Let's not forget Skipper, he had a minor role in this chapter but his time will come. He still needs a payphone to call an old friend... XD I hope the Rico/Ms. Perky fluff wasn't dissapointing, it's hard to describe a penguin having sex with a barbie-doll without making it look ridiculous... XD And yes, I couldn't help but giving Alice a little fun with her date after all. She's always pictured as 'bad', but I think she's just frustrated... LOL**


	3. Like A Virgin

**To all my lovely readers, thanks for all the sweet reviews and for your patience! This chapter is more Skipper related, these are his solutions to his boys' problems. But, I promise you: Kowalski and Private will get together somehow, Rico will have fun with Ms Perky, the hussie shall help them and Kowalski will find out what the 'thing' is. Oh man, I think my experimental one-shot will be at least five chapters long! Thanks again for sticking with me! Also, special thanks goes Goldenpuon for being my best buddy and reading this silly story even though she's not a real fan of the show. And to Somethewild for translating my story in German, so German speaking people can enjoy this too. We're neighbours for something... ;)**

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Skipper woke up at 0545 hours. The others were still fast asleep. As he drunk his fish coffee, he thought about the events of the previous day. His men were really acting weird. First Rico with his dolly, then Kowalski and Private taking so long before they went to bed. He wondered where their little 'get-together' was all about. All he could think of was that Rico's behavior had given them things to talk about.

As their leader, it was his task to help them. If not, he feared they might never function normally again. These boys' blood was overflowing with testosteron. What they needed was a little 'relaxation'. He too actually, it had been a while since the last time he was in the presence of a lady.

At 0600 hours he woke up the others.

"Wake up guys! Today we'll have a special training!"

Kowalski turned his back towards the yelling penguin and covered his head with his pillow to prevent himself from further disturbance. Private continued snoring, he was still in pixieland or whatever the round penguin dreamed about. Rico grunted angrily, all he wanted to do today was sobbing with Ms. Perky pressed against him.

Skipper sighed annoyed, took a megaphone and yelled through it, "WAKE UP!"

The three guys were immediately awake from their superior's deafening exclamation. They reluctantly let themselves slid out of their bed bunkers. Kowalski slept at the bottom, so he dropped softly on the floor. Rico, who occupied the second bed from the floor, landed on top of Kowalski, almost killing him with his overweight in weapons, fat and tears. If that wasn't bad enough for the poor penguin beneath, Private, who used the bed on top of the row, dropped roughly in Rico's neck, adding extra weight in twinkies, sweet dreams and more fat on the already flattened penguin.

Skipper shook his head in disbelieve as he watched the circus show in front of him, his men were pathetic.

"Must breath..." the tallest bird gasped while he tried to crawl from under Rico and Private.

"Oh, sorry Kowalski, Rico," the youngest penguin said as he peered down on Rico, who was still carrying him on his shoulders while he sat on Kowalski's back. He jumped off of the mad guy and landed in front of Kowalski's face. Rico got off of Kowalski's painful back and grunted his apologies.

"You guys really got to go on a diet!" the lanky bird exclaimed angrily as he rubbed his spine. Why did the 'heavy' guys always had to land on the light ones?

Private and Rico inspected their bellies and then their hinds. They weren't fat, just big boned. They exchanged a glance before they glared at the skinnier bird. He was just jealous of their masculine figures, they thought harmoniously.

"All right, boys, show's over," Skipper said. "Today, we'll have a very special training, given by an old friend of mine. It's a lady, so I expect gentlemen behavior, a fresh odour and a shaved chin."

"But Skipper, we don't have beard growth," the chubby penguin complained, but the stubborn leader ignored him completely. The young penguin should know by now that he was always right.

Rico smelled one of his axils and curled his beak in disgust. Maybe he should take a shower for a change.

"Naturally, Skipper," Kowalksi replied, knowing that objecting to Skipper's commands was futile, even if they didn't make any sense. He thrusted Private and Rico towards his lab with gentle force. It was about time Rico took a shower and Private had to learn how to shave, even though it was pointless.

Eventually, after two hours of mechanical sounds and terrified screams coming out of the laboratory, the three penguins came out spic and span. Their black feathers had a blueish brilliantine shine and their white feathers were bleached like virgin snow. Rico's mohawk was smoothed on one side of his head, which made him feel like a nerd. Their beaks glowed from the 'shave'. Private's had a little plaster on his where the razor had slipped. He still didn't get why they had to shave while there was nothing to shave. All for a stupid lady that would show them what? How to knit? Or arranging flowers? Big deal! Been there, done that! the little one thought.

The lads were lined up in size as Skipper inspected them with an approval nod. They looked clean and smelled fresh enough for the opposite sex. But he still had to make his call.

"Rico! Payphone!"

The bulky penguin regurgitated the asked object. Some of his head feathers sprouted in the process, which he hastily flattened before Skipper could notice.

The short penguin put a coin in the machine and dialed a number he seemed to have memorized. He watched the air while he waited for a sign of life on the other end of the line. When someone picked up the phone on the other side, he spoke.

"It's me, C-U-D-D-L-Y-B-I-R-D," Skipper whispered at the phone. Kowalski easily got the name and smirked. Private and Rico didn't really get it but their taller buddy couldn't spare them this. He murmured it into their ears, making them snicker loudly. Why would Skipper let himself be called cuddly bird?

"Yes, it is an emergency! Otherwise I wouldn't bother you, honey birdy!"

The other three could hardly hold back their laughter. They've never heard Skipper call someone 'honey birdy'. It was too silly for words, like the time he married the hula-doll in Africa. Doll love -or doll sex nowadays- was Rico's quirk.

"When? ASAP, my boys really need you! Yes, I know you can't fly! Don't worry, I got all the equipment to pay you, just make sure they're satisfied!" Skipper continued the phone-call irritatedly. Man, that woman can be very demanding, he thought.

The others shared worried glances as they heard the rest of the conversation from their side of the line.

"Okay, see you at 1200 hours. They'll be ready, I promise! What? Of course they're house trained! Only Rico has accidents at night, but now that he sleeps above Kowalski, it's not my problem anymore. Except for him, they're hygienic! I can assure you, al three of them smell as fresh as a lavender field! What do you mean? You're allergic to flowers? It's just a figure of speech! The point is, they're washed! What now? Negative! There's no avian influenza in my zoo! Manfredi and Johnson were the last victims of this disease and they died a long time ago! My boys had all their vaccinations right on time ever since the day they hatched! Please woman, put a sock in it! I'm gonna hang up now! GOODBYE!" He practically threw the phone's horn on the hook. This woman didn't know when to stop a conversation.

Kowalski perked an eyebrow at Rico, who stood next to him with an impertinent expression on his face. Now he knew why he often woke up in the middle of the night all wet ever since Skipper and Rico had exchanged beds, he thought it was sweat...

"This is your lucky day, boys! Today you'll become men!" Skipper said proudly, his boys were growing up.

Private got a worried expression on his face when his commander's intentions struck him like lightening. This was the 'Hoboken Hussie' Skipper had mentioned the previous day. She would come over and 'teach' them all about the birds and the bees. Did Skipper overheard his conversation with the scientist the other day? He was still anxious to continue what he and Kowalski had started in the lab yesterday. But that 'becoming men' sounded creepily like sleeping with a female.

Kowalksi tapped Private's shoulder to assure him there was nothing to worry about. But Kowalski was content he might not have to abuse his little friend after all. What he didn't realise was that Private would be devastated if he would sleep with her instead of him.

Rico didn't really get the whole thing. He still believed he had to go through a few manhood tests -such as killing some innocent animal, which he had done several times before. Then he was already a man, right? Besides, how can a woman teach a man how to be a man? He thought confused, this was way too much for his messed up mind to comprehend. Why did Skipper have to bother him with this when he had more important things to do? Like making up with Ms. Perky, who was still lying in his bed, all alone and robbed of her innocence. His stomach churned as he recalled what he had done to her yesterday. Maybe this 'special training chick' might teach him a few lessons about women.

"We still got three hours left before our guest arrives, so I'll teach you guys how to handle a lady properly," the commanding bird told his soldiers, his gaze locked on Rico to remind him that biting off your girlfriend's head and amputating her leg was not the right way.

"Ugh..." the maddest bird groaned in embarrassment, facing the floor.

"But Skipper, how can you call a female that sleeps with guys for a living a lady?" the little penguin interrupted his leader, he still hated the idea of this woman coming over to interfere with their sex lives. Certainly not when he was so close to be with Kowalski, even if it was just for one night. Knowing Kowalski and his damn heterosexuality he would lose all interest in him, if there ever was any in the first place.

"Silence, Private! Any creature with ovaries is a lady to me!" the eldest penguin exclaimed. He was tired of Private's stupid questions. He really began to think the young bird didn't want the Hoboken Hussie to come over. Wait till she deflowered him, then he'll squeak differently, Skipper thought.

"Even Alice?" Kowalski asked with a furrowed brow, wondering if Skipper really was that ignorant. Ovaries verified that a creature was a female, her behavior demonstrated that she was a lady or not. There were females who had lost their ovaries or simply weren't born with them, but behaved like ladies and women with them, who weren't ladies at all, like Alice.

"Yes, even Alice!" the older penguin cried, unwilling to admit that he was wrong.

"But she's not like a lady at all," Private said.

Skipper slapped his head in frustration, this conversation wasn't getting anywhere. Certainly not when they're talking about Alice.

If that wasn't bad enough for the poor leader, Rico came running towards him with his dolly. He began to sway her around dangerously, trying to point something out. Kowalski smirked amused as it occurred to him what the insane bird tried to say.

"Rico!" Skipper yelled, ducking to avoid getting hit with Ms. Perky.

"You've offended him, Skipper. You said only creatures with ovaries were ladies, but Ms. Perky has no ovaries, and to him she is a lady," the tallest penguin explained to his superior while he tried to calm Rico down.

"Oh yeah, sorry, Rico!" Skipper apologized sarcastically with his flippers on his hips. Why was it so hard to have a normal conversation with his squad? When this was all over, they'd get an extra cruel training for their insolence.

Rico calmed down and sweet-talked to his girlfriend. He buried his beak into her hair, trying to comfort her, but all he got was excited, like the day before. Scared of himself, he threw her onto the floor with a soft thud. When he realized he might have hurt her, he picked her up to put her back in his bed, holding her far away from him as if she had some contagious disease.

"Like I said before I was interrupted," the broad penguin leader glared at Private before he continued, "I'm gonna show you how to handle a lady!"

Private stared at his little feet to avoid the piercing blue eyes of his commander. He felt ashamed for his behavior, but he couldn't help himself, he really wanted Kowalski more than anything. He thought he would die if he had to witness Kowalski with that promiscuous female. And what if she forced herself upon him? He had to make sure she picked out Rico first; according to how he had battered Ms. Perky, she would never survive.

"When you deal with a woman, you ought to know that they never say what they want; you just have to guess. And I can tell you, you only get one chance to do the right thing! Another important thing you need to know, is to never ask a woman directions; you'll be more lost than you were before. But that's not such a big problem, since real men have a built-in GPS and don't need to ask for directions. The most momentous thing you need to know is to never, I repeat NEVER let them drive your car; if they didn't wreck it first, they will certainly hit you with it." Skipper spat out his sexistic remarks all over his pupils.

Rico's gutter began to fill with gal at the very thought of his car all ruined by feminine driving. He had to hold his big gut to keep it all in, cause the last time he had this, he had vomited his whole weapon arsenal in the HQ. It had taken him weeks to swallow his armament back in. He made funny faces as he felt the sour stomach juice filling his beak. He took a deep breath through his nostrils and gulped it back to where it came from, ending in an earsplitting belch with a poisonous green cloud escaping his oral cavity.

"Ewww, Rico, that's disgusting!" the other birds cried out in unison, waving in the air and covering their beaks with their flippers.

"Heheh..." Rico smiled sheepishly. This might be bad for his mates, but they ought to be happy he had been able to keep his gut's content in.

"Damn, this stench will keep hanging in here for days on end. Kowalksi, options!" Skipper burst out. Rico's timing was so off, just when he had promised the hussie that his team was clean and free from any malodours, he had to ruin it with his rebellious stomach.

"Open all the doors!" came the answer in a nasal voice, cause the clever bird was still covering his nostrils with his flipper.

"Private, Rico! Open all the doors!" The two penguins jumped up to do as they were told. "Kowalksi, don't you have anything against unwanted odours?"

"I have an 'arbre magique' *, stolen from Alice's zoo kart and some toilet tablets, too."

"Good, get them!"

Kowalski started off to his lab to fulfill his leader's wishes. He wondered what Skipper was planning to do with those. He couldn't neutralise the smell of the whole HQ with only a few anti-odour items. When he returned, the shorter penguin grabbed the tablets and the car refreshing little pine tree out of his flippers.

"Rico! Open your mouth!" The called penguin disputed with a series of incomprehensible grunts, but followed his commander's orders as a good soldier.

Skipper yanked his tongue out of his opened beak with an appalled expression on his face. He dropped all the toilet tablets on Rico's tasting organ and shut his pie-hole with force.

"Now chew!" The plumpy weapon depot started to chew on the tablets with an approval groan, this was tasty! Soon, his beak was littered with foam once the melting tablets began to merge with his saliva. He drained the blueish mixture down his oesophagus with a satisfied burp. The room began to fill with the smell of the ocean, mixed with the scent of freshly caught fish from Rico's diet.

"That's a great idea, Skipper!" Private exclaimed in awe, flattering his superior's ego. This was his time to make up for his previous act of rebellion when he had interrupted the higher ranked penguin's speech.

"Yes, indeed," Kowalski added in with a fake smile, he could've come up with this too.

"You see, you don't have to be a scientist to come with good ideas," Skipper shot back at the more intelligent penguin. He loved to outsmart the taller guy.

Kowalski only grinned vaguely to hide his frustration. Not so much because he couldn't stand that his leader had come with something he hadn't thought of, but mostly because he had to rub it in.

"And to finish it off, you'll wear this for as long as our guest stays," the older penguin said to the deranged bird -who was enjoying the sea breeze-like aftertaste of the toilet tablets- and decorated him with the air refresher in the form of a tree on a cord.

"Yeah!" Rico spat out enthusiastically as he proudly held up the yellow vanilla-scented tree in his flipper as if it was a medal of honour. The others cheered for him, content that the stench was gone. It became more clear to them why Rico had a doll for a girlfriend, anything with an olfactory sense would never want to be this close with him.

"Can I continue now?" Skipper asked his team. The others stopped their chattering and payed attention to him again.

"Where was I? Oh yeah, always give a woman the impression that you actually listen to her, even though your mind is elsewhere. Give her compliments on a regular basis, for example: 'OMG! Is that an ass! I never noticed you had one!' Of course, this means you can never be honest to a lady. That also counts when you've been unfaithful, in that case, silence is golden."

"But Skipper, honesty and faithfulness are the most important things in a relation!" Private threw in.

"Naive young Private, sometimes it's better to have secrets. Being too honest in a relationship can be very painful and being unfaithful is fine as long as the other doesn't find out."

Rico raised a brow at Skipper's last words. So it was alright to be unfaithful? He knew it was kinda mean, but he had his needs and the special training chick might be his only chance. However, he would have to operate in stealth to make sure Ms Perky wouldn't notice. Also, he should have duct tape ready in case their visitor struggled. He felt like he deserved this for all the efforts he had put in his appearance. He looked and smelled clean, had a nerdy hairdo and a medal. If that wasn't enough to score with that chick, he didn't know.

Just as Skipper was about to continue, the penguins heard the most horrible sound a penguin could hear; Alice who was singing.

"What now?" the leading bird exclaimed, was it so hard to teach these guys something without disruption?

When they got to the surface of their habitat, they saw the woman singing through the spade she was supposed to use to scoop up animal faeces.

_"I made it through the wilderness, somehow I made it through. Didn't know how lost I was, until I found you!" **_

She screamed like cat in heat. Visitors had gathered around to watch her performance with amusement. People made videos with their mobile phones, to put it on youtube for the whole world to see.

"Kowalski, options!" The leader couldn't stand it anymore, over an hour he had a visitor to pick up at the zoo's entrance and now this woman had attracted all attention to their habitat with her horrible sound.

"Put a sock in it?" Skipper shot him a glare, was that all the brainiac could come up with? Sometimes he wondered if Kowalski really was that smart. He could invent the most amazing things and used the most intelligent words you could imagine but to come up with a good solution in a crisis situation was another thing.

"Rico, do your thing!"

He hacked up thousands of sexy panties and a cannon. The deranged penguin stuffed it with the stockings and gunpowder, then aimed for the woman's opened mouth.

_I was beat incomplete, __I'd been had, I was sad and blue. __But you made me feel, y__eah, you made me feel s__hiny and new! **_

Alice continued her show with verve. People couldn't hold their laughter and animals went crazy in their habitats. Specially the royal lemur, Julien, hated how she'd drawn all attention to her. Phil and Mason were planning a bombardment of poo if she didn't shut it this minute. But when she started to scoop up food and throw it into the animals' exhibits, the protest silenced, it was raining food. Snouts, beaks and muzzles opened up to catch as much as they could.

Rico had trouble with concentrating, it was raining fish, but he had no time to eat. He lit the cannon and hoped his aim was true.

_Like a virgin, t__ouched for the very first time. L__ike a..._

The woman got a small share of panties in her opened mouth, but the rest flew into the other zoo resident's mouths and in the visitors faces. She spit them out and glared at the place where it came from, but there was nothing to be seen. The penguins had retreated before anyone could notice they were even there in the first place.

"Good work Rico!" the leader praised the maniac penguin, but he looked down sadly. Outside, the habitat was filled with fish but he had to stay down here with an 'empty' stomach.

Alice would have too much time cleaning up the mess after the stockings rain, to interfere with the penguins for a while. She was one hundred percent sure they were behind this, and it wouldn't surprise her if she'd find her 'lost object' in their habitat. When all this was cleaned, she would search through their exhibit while they're visiting the veterinarian. Oh yes, they'd get vaccinations for years, she thought menacingly.

After all the commotion it was already 1145 hours, almost time for Skipper to pick up his notorious guest.

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*** For those who don't know what an 'arbre magique' is: those are little pine tree-shaped air refreshers you can hang in your car. Here's a link: http: /www. arbremagique. com/ ; without the spaces. **

**** Lyrics of Like A Virign are the property of Madonna! I used them for amusement only, no profits were gained. **

**Hope this wasn't too long and random, and that everything was comprehensible. If you have questions, aim and shoot! **

**Like I already said, the promised things will come up soon. Still true to Rico/Ms Perky and Kowalski/Private but they ain't gonna get it for free. ;) **


	4. Heartache Tonight

**Hey hey, my lovely readers! Thanks for your lovely and encouraging reviews! Sorry for the long wait, been very busy with school, it's almost done... Yay! Also with other fics, hard to divide my attention. **

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Skipper was getting ready to get the hussie. He decided to go alone and let the others freshen up a bit and get ready for her arrival. He was lucky that Alice was too busy with cleaning up to notice the visitor at the entrance of the zoo. He quickly made it to the gates.

Though it was 1203 hours already, there was no one to be seen. Not that he expected anything else from a female, he cursed under his breath for her lack of punctuality. But what could he do about it? That was just the way women were, they always had something to do last minute and he could know it because he had been a married man.

"Come on!" he whispered impatiently. It was then he was greeted by a cloud of smoke. He coughed and waved his flipper to make the smoke evaporate. And there she was, the hussie. She looked a little older than the last time they met but still good enough to arouse a man.

"Finally," he said, not showing his true feelings. It wasn't in his nature to show a woman that he was attracted to her. Besides, she was here for the boys now.

"Patience, my friend, it's all about patience," the female spoke with a low voice as she blew another cloud of smoke in his face from her cigarette in a holder.

"Will you cut it out, woman?" He tried to grab the cigarette tube but she kept it out of reach.

"Relax; don't get yourself exhausted before it's time to pay. It's not like you're getting any younger..." She extinguished her cigarette against the wall that bordered the zoo.

"So how are things going in 'Central Park Zoo'," she said arrogantly though he could hear the jealousy in her voice, she was stuck in the Hoboken Zoo while he and his team were pampered in here.

"All right. But how are you?"

"Ha! How do you think?" she ricocheted sarcastically.

"I see, you can always stay here if you want but..." They both knew this was impossible but he had to ask it to clear his conscience.

"Right, one chick and four guys... Oh well, I can't complain, I have a new roommate now, he's a cute little Dane, almost as cute as you are!" She pinched his cheek like a granny would do with a kid.

He slapped her flipper away with his, trying to hide his jealousy. But what else did he expect from a hussie? He could've had her when he was young, but he had chosen for his career.

"Look, I want you to deflower my boys, that's all."

"You do know my price for deflowering is high? It's not like there's much fun for me."

"I know, don't worry about it, you'll get your fun."

"Good. So these 'boys' of you, what can I expect?"

"The tall one is mature but he doesn't understand emotions or women, make sure you hit him at the right spot before he starts to flip. The little one's scared to death, so go easy on him, will you? Better watch out for the big one, he's mentally disturbed, the trick is to tire him out but I don't think you'll have a problem with that."

"I had my share of creeps, I can handle him," she answered while diving into her purse. "Besides, I got this!" she said while holding a little container with tranquilizers in front of him.

"What's that?"

"It can make a leopard seal sleep for aeons."

"What? You can't put my psycho in a coma, I still need him!"

"Fine, I'll use pepper-spray!"

By the time they reached the penguin habitat, Kowalski, Rico and Private were clean again and nervously watching the hole in the ceiling under the feeding trough. Kowalski kept himself calm thinking about complex algebra, Rico was still struggling to get his head feathers flat that seemed to be as stubborn as a mule and Private ate one peanut butter winkie after the other making his beak all dirty and sticky.

When the feeding trough was lifted and daylight filled the habitat with a ray of light, the three penguins halted their activities and watched the entrance curiously. Whatever their opinions about the female sex were, they've never met a female penguin for real. They heard they look pretty much alike but there was a manual needed to comprehend them.

Skipper preceded the hussie into their home. She landed on the floor with a soft thud, fixed her feathers and watched her pupils with an amused smile. At least the tall one was handsome and the little one was so cuddly. The big one looked rather nasty even though he attempted to look smooth, so she decided to avoid eye contact. She'd guys like that before and they have the weirdest requests.

Kowalski smiled charmingly and that didn't go unnoticed by Private who had a tough time hiding his jealousy. Rico only stared with his tongue hanging out of his beak; she looked fuckable enough for him.

"Boys, meet the Hoboken Hussie. Hussie, these are my boys." Skipper introduced his soldiers to the lady.

The guys silently greeted the female, not knowing what to do next. Were they supposed to get in action now or wait till she gave a sign? And who would go first?

Kowalski would hate to go after Rico, Private would let the others go first so he might find a way to escape in the meantime and Rico didn't want to wait at all. He started a series of incomprehensible grunts at the prostitute, who completely ignored him.

"That's enough, Rico; you'll get your chance!" Skipper said while he pushed him away from the female.

"Awww..." the mad man grunted, he didn't want to wait. The sooner he had his satisfaction, the sooner he could start to make up with Ms Perky again. He kept her safely in his bed bunker so she didn't have to know. He thought this education could only be helpful, but he knew how jealous women could get. Maybe he was selfish, but if he didn't do this he might harm her again.

"I think I'll start with a show to warm them up, I need music and light to create an intimate atmosphere in this place." She looked around with a pensive frown; this place was a dump and could use a romantic touch.

"What?" Skipper shouted confused. "Just do your thing woman!"

"I will do my 'thing' if you give me the right equipment!" She screamed hysterically, the only reaction Skipper expected and to his own surprise he liked it. In fact, he wanted to take her this minute, but that wouldn't be a good example of self-discipline for his men. Besides, a man his age knew that patience would be rewarded in the end.

"Fine! Need anything else?" he added sarcastically.

"At the moment, no," she answered while she looked for the right place to put up her show, the higher platform would make a perfect podium.

The other guys were nailed to the ground, they had no idea what to expect from this 'show'. Rico thought it was boring and wanted to start the action, Kowalski tried to imagine what this show would be like and Private was making up excuses to get dismissed.

"Skipper, I think I'm going to be sick tonight..." the young bird complained holding his tummy.

"You shouldn't have eaten so many winkies!" Skipper answered. "Kowalski, give this cry baby some antacids!"

The brainiac penguin was glad he had a task to perform. Rico shivered at the very thought of antacids and what damage they could cause to him. If he wasn't able to vomit something every hour, he'd risk imploding and that wasn't a pleasant idea. Like that one time the crazy zoo keeper woman, Alice gave him some of this anti-vomiting stuff and he almost got killed.

Kowalski led Private to the first aid cabin he had in his lab. The younger penguin waddled behind the intelligent penguin looking at his feet. He could barely hold his tears, the man he loved was about to fuck that woman. If that wasn't bad enough, he was expected to have sex with her as well. He wouldn't know what to do and she looked rather mean.

"Kowalski, about last night, do you still think there's a possibility for you and me..." the young one started dejectedly.

"I don't know, Private. We don't have female company every day and I don't want to let this chance slip through my flippers. But I wouldn't worry about it too much if I was you, tomorrow she's gone and everything will be back to normal." The elder penguin told the little one while he handed him some pills for his stomach.

"That's just the problem, you'll be inventing all day again, dreaming of Doris or maybe of this... this slut!" Private spat in Kowalski's face, throwing the pills on the floor, surprised of his own anger. He pushed the taller penguin aside and left Kowalski astonished.

Kowalski never expected Private to be this rude. If he had known the younger bird was so serious about this, he would've never given him the impression there was any hope for them to be together this way. Still, he thought he had made it clear he didn't feel the same about him. He felt so sorry for the little guy, but he couldn't start a relation with him based on pity.

Private ran passed Skipper and Rico, almost sweeping them off their feet. The two shared a worried glance and watched him go to the bed bunkers. Private halted in front of Rico's bed, watching Ms Perky with her eternal smile.

"You can still smile about it," he said wiping the tears away. At the moment he wished he was like the doll, that he didn't feel the stings of jealousy penetrating his heart and soul. Rico could fuck the whole zoo and still she would smile, always content with or without his presence. Little did he realize Rico didn't feel the same about that, to him she had these feelings; to him she would be devastated if she would ever find out he was unfaithful to her.

"At least he'll return to you after he had his fun with that woman, but Kowalski will never be mine..." he whimpered. He felt the urge to hold someone, even if it was just a plastic doll. He took her in his arms, giving her a sister hug to make the feelings of emptiness and neglect disappear for both of them.

Kowalski got out of his laboratory feeling like a total jerk for toying with Private's feelings. He never thought he would be the first to hurt the little guy's feelings so bad. He knew he didn't understand emotions but now he felt heartless.

"There you are!" Skipper stopped him from thinking and looked up at him with a glare. "What took you so long and why is Private so upset?

"I think it's the stomachache that's upsetting him, don't worry though, he'll be fine," Kowalski lied. "Maybe it's better he stays in bed this afternoon."

"If you say so," the leading penguin answered, not entirely convinced. He hated it when his men resigned duty, but for once he'll give the little guy the benefit of doubt.

"Rico, get Alice's iPod! Kowalski, get the Christmas lights!" The said penguins raised brows and shared a questioning glance. Were they going to have a party? They just wanted to get a good fuck and continue their business, but Skipper's wish was their command.

Rico waddled to the entrance muttering things no one should hear. Kowalski went to the cellar to get those lights; the thought of disentwining those damn lights didn't make him any happier. Why did Skipper do exactly what that woman said, or let them do it for him? Wasn't she here to offer them a service, not the other way around? He hoped this show was worth it but he didn't count on it, his day was spoiled after Private's outburst.

Alice was still cleaning up the mess after the stockings incident. The only thing that kept her mood stable was the music the iPod spread through her ears and the thought of another date with her new boyfriend.

Rico sneaked up on her with a water pistol in his flippers, he hid behind a popcorn cart, aiming to shoot. When she had her back turned to him, bent forward to pick up another pair of stockings, he shot.

"What the?" She turned around angrily, searching for the idiot that wet her. "Stupid kids..." While she was distracted Rico quickly snatched her iPod out of her back pocket. He hoped this show was really good, because touching that woman's butt appalled him. But he got his price and swallowed it.

The music stopped, before Alice could see what happened to her iPod, Rico was gone. She palpated her back pocket in search for the iPod. "Hey! Who stole my iPod?"

When Rico returned to HQ, Kowalski was entangled with Christmas lights. The mad penguin's beak curled in an amused smile.

"It's not funny, Rico! Better lend me a flipper!" Rico only scratched his butt, muttered something and went to his dolly. He figured he still had some time to brush her hair and sweet-talk to her, so she wouldn't suspect anything about his whereabouts tonight. He'd make sure she would sleep through all this and in the morning she'd have herself an experienced lover.

When he arrived in their sleeping place, he saw Private sleeping in his bed. When he neared the little penguin with his back turned to him, he shook his shoulder to wake him up. Private turned around, to see who woke him. He saw Rico and smiled, never realizing he was in his bed, holding his girlfriend.

Rico exploded; he yanked Private out of his bed, peeled his flippers off of his dolly and threw him aside. He couldn't believe she cheated on him. She must have heard something; someone had told her what he was planning to do. He couldn't believe the little private was able to do what he wasn't, and she was still in one piece. He never saw this coming, not from Private, maybe Skipper or Kowalski, but him?

"It's not what it looks like, Rico! Nothing happened; we just comforted each other that's all!" Rico glared at him, shouting angry words at him in his own language.

"You got to believe me, I've no feelings for Ms Perky whatsoever!" the small penguin begged for mercy but that didn't stop Rico from hitting him hard on the head with Ms Perky. The doll landed several times on the little penguin's head until he lost his consciousness.

He hugged and kissed Ms Perky, trying to get an explanation from her but he already knew why she'd done it. He failed as a boyfriend, he deserved it and he had to leave her alone. He laid her on his bed and left with tears in his eyes, forgetting about Private.

"Rico, where's that iPod!" Skipper cried impatiently, did he have to ask everything twice? He had been too generous lately, letting them have too much time off. They're getting lazy and disobedient. If they didn't change their ways, he'd drag them to court-martial.

Rico spat out the asked object with an absent glance in his eyes. Why hadn't he seen this coming? With Private? He was merely a man. Maybe she longed for a tender man, one who didn't harm her when making love. He'd have to try harder than ever to get things right.

Kowalski had finally managed to entangle the Christmas lights, he hated this task. He hadn't had the time to think about Private while he was busy, but now he started to feel dreadful again. The poor little guy didn't deserve to be treated like this. He deserved an apology and he would honestly tell him he couldn't be what he wanted him to be.

The tall penguin arrived at the sleeping place, horrified to see Private lying on the floor unconsciously, "What happened here?" He kneeled in front of Private and checked if he still breathed by looking for any movement of his chest.

To his relief, Private still breathed. He tilted his head to see a huge bump on the back of his head. He wondered what or who could've caused this and why. The little guy was too sweet to have enemies, unless he offended that hussie and she had hit him. He decided to question her about this.

"So you think I've hit your little friend on the head? You're so funny! Do you think I've nothing else to do?" She didn't look up at him while she polished her toe nails.

"I know it sounds silly but he's not really fond of you visiting us and I thought he might have offended you..." Kowalski began to doubt if he was following the right trail.

"Is that so?"

"Apparently."

"Why?"

"He's gay..."

"So what's the problem? If he's not interested in women, then I don't sleep with him, it's that simple."

"No it's not, he's in love with me and now he's jealous of you."

"I see."

"Guess you didn't hit him then..." Kowalski ended the conversation, realizing she hadn't done it and he didn't feel like telling her how he treated his friend.

"No, I haven't."

He left the female and went back to check on Private, who laid in his bed now. He started to regain consciousness, groaning as he felt the pain at the back of his head.

"Rico?"

"No, it's me," Kowalski answered.

"Where's Rico?"

"Last time I saw him, he was helping Skipper with the music."

"He hit me..."

"What? Why?"

"I hugged Ms Perky and fell asleep..."

Kowalski let out a chuckle; he should've known this was Rico's work.

"Is he still angry?" Private was scared of another attack.

"I've no idea, he looked absent though. I don't think he'll harm you anymore, he probably thinks this is his own fault..."

"Sorry about my outburst, Kowalski."

"I'm sorry for giving you false hope, Private."

"So we're still friends?"

"Of course! Now you stay in bed while I'll help Skipper and Rico. And don't worry about tonight, you're dismissed from duty." Kowalski winked an eye at the young penguin.

"Thanks." He was happy they had this talk; it was no use being angry at Kowalski for being straight. He wouldn't stand in his way if he wanted to sleep with that female. Maybe he'll realize sex with females was overrated, after all, he didn't understand women anyway.

Skipper, Rico and Kowalski made the last preparations for the Hussie's show. The Christmas lights hung up, they had stolen an iPod dock station from Alice's office and the Hussie had her make up on.

They were seated at a table in front of the improvised podium. Rico had arranged the drinks, all with a suspiciously high alcohol level but Skipper and Kowalski decided to leave him be. Kowalski knew he had other fish to fry and if it helped him overcome his heartache, then who was he to stop him. As long as he stayed away from Private it was fine by him. Skipper liked his drinks too, but he learnt from previous parties that Rico and alcohol was a bad combination, so he kept an eye on him.

The Hussie turned the wheel on the iPod to find the right music for her show. Something suggestive that set the right tone. She still doubted who she'd do first, maybe the crazy guy before he got too drunk and once he was under she could have more fun with the handsome guy. Still, there was nothing better than to be in the flippers of an experienced man who knew how to handle a woman.

As the music started, the guys fell silent and watched her doing her thing.

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**Sorry guys, the show's for next chapter... Hehehe! You won't have to wait too long, don't worry. And of course there will be a little more action for the boys. Hope the Kowalski/Private and Rico/Ms Perky tension wasn't disappointing, but I'd say that should all be fixed by the end of this story, let's say chapter 6. **


End file.
